This is a topic I googled extensively when I was pregnant with my second baby. I didn’t write about it here, but I touched on it on my Instagram stories here and there at the time - I suffered from pretty bad postpartum depression with my first, so even though I knew I wanted a second child, I was terrified. Around the time we decided to start trying for a second, everything I read said, “Oh don’t worry, 0-1 is so much harder than 1-2! You’ve got this!” So I was like, “Ok yes let’s go for it.” Then it seemed like as soon as I got a positive pregnancy test all that content switched to, “1-2 is so much harder than 0-1, you’re f#$%ed.”
I know now it’s just a different experience for everyone, and the algorithm was working as the algorithm does and serving me what I happened to be most anxious about! I thought I’d throw my two cents in to share my experience on the transitions between children.
For me, the transition to becoming a mother for the first time was so much harder than adding a second child. It was such a huge adjustment for me to get used to taking care of someone and having them depend on me every minute of every day. But by the second time, I’m used to it - for me, having a second child has been easier than having the first because I simply have more experience.
I’m used to being needed all the time, as I said above. I have the perspective to know it all goes by so fast, so I’ve learned to savor and soak in everything about the early months, even when it’s not the most fun. The sleep deprivation still really sucked the second time around, but still I was more used to it (nothing can prepare you for newborn sleep the first time, I think), and having my toddler to show up for really helped to pep me up a little. I was also just so exhausted and uncomfortable by the end of my second pregnancy that even just a little bit of broken sleep after my second was born felt so much better than the sleep I was getting while heavily pregnant.
With my first, I got sucked into spiraling like “I’m never going to sleep again, I’m never going to have any time to myself again,” but now I see what a small snapshot of time this is in my whole life. My first turned out to be a pretty good sleeper once he got closer to a year old, so now on the hard nights when my second is having trouble sleeping, I have a sort of time frame in mind - like “it will only be like this for maybe 6ish more months,” and it really helps, even if it doesn’t end up being true! And once my first just took one nap per day, his bedtime moved earlier, so I got some time to myself after he went to bed. So when I’m feeling fried now I just remember it’s all temporary.
I often felt like I had absolutely no idea what I was doing sometimes when my first was a baby, and I wasn’t used to feeling so out of my depth at something. It helps so much with my second that now I have a sort of jumping-off point to solve a problem. Every baby is different - my second is so different than my first! - but any time he’s extra fussy, or not napping, etc, I can try something that worked to calm my first down (ie Taylor Swift’s Folklore album used to always calm my first down and put him to sleep, now Kacey Musgraves’s Deeper Well does the same for my second). Even if something that worked for my first doesn’t for my second, it still feels so much better to have at least some idea of what to try.
Having two means there always seems to be some sort of counter to a hard moment - if the baby is being super fussy or isn’t sleeping well, I can always count on my toddler doing something absolutely hilarious and it snaps me right out of spiraling about the baby. Or, if the toddler is having a rough day full of tantrums, it makes it easier to soak in all the sweet baby cuddles and babbling. Having a second child has really helped me to see the big picture, appreciate every little thing, and truly find the joy in every moment.
So in my experience, the transition to that first child was harder than going from 1-2. 0-1 is such a big existential change and challenge that I don’t think you can ever really be prepared for, and for someone who feels deeply uncomfortable “learning on the fly,” it was a lot for me. 1-2 is more of a logistical challenge of juggling both of their needs, and I like to think I’m a good multitasker, so it’s been a lot easier to wrap my head around!
I must also mention that since I had postpartum depression with my first, and I’m prone to anxiety anyway when not pregnant/postpartum, I made the decision with my doctor to start taking antidepressants as soon as my second was born, and I think that has helped make all the difference with how I’m feeling and handling things this time around. If you’re having a rough go of it, please don’t be afraid to ask for help - I wish I did sooner after my first was born.